December 29th

one year ago today i left. the picture at the top of my blog is the view i enjoyed for three weeks. vaughn bay, olympic moutains, and a family of geese whose chatter made me not feel so alone.
i remember one night, after all my fears had risen to code red, i could have sworn there were demons outside. fear does crazy things to you... i found out that fear had less to do with demons and more to do with my cell phone, my mom and dad, disappointment, anger, and parents of middle school students. fear left me trapped, and yet my sovereign self would not relinquish it "sometimes we hold onto fear just in case we need it." it is a strange dynamic holding onto something that won't let go of you - there's no saying who has the mastery.
i went on a brief walk this afternoon to reflect with mr. God about how things have been going. i am happy to report that i am actually less afraid than i used to be, less driven by anxiety, guilt, and disappointment. there is that old part of me still holding power, that part that still needs to pacify mom and keep dad from being disappointed. but there is in me a child, the voice of whom i heard for the first time on a cold evening on the shores of the puget sound, who is fearless. this child is rooted in the love of God. A child who believes relentlessly that "there is only love" a child who thinks disappointment is a silly thing, and for whom pain is not something to be feared, but to be embraced as part of a great journey (kind of like the way the bashes and bruises hurt in mud football).
I don't want to say too much, so I'll simply say thank you to the long lonely days, the cold and windy nights, i'll say thank you to my geese friends, and to that old broke-down ford truck, i'll say thank you to bryan, anjuli, manoah, but most of all i'll say thank you to Jesus who has never left me.